This is my story...
I was born in the late ’70s, sandwiched between Generation X and Millennial. My parents emigrated from Sri Lanka to America in the early ’70s. Although I was born in Sri Lanka, I have called New Jersey my home since I was a year old. My childhood consisted of memories playing the latest Atari games and getting excited to see the launch of MTV, while my teen and college years were filled with boy bands, carrying beepers and chatting online.
I consider myself a digital enthusiast. I have developed a deep appreciation for the way technology has fostered community and share information regardless of geographic boundaries. However, I have struggled to find a balance when it came to my love life and relationships.
Technology and Relationships
Like many back in 1998, I hung out in AOL chat rooms talking to people. I was amazed to connect with other South Asians in America. I grew up in a town that lacked diversity and was bullied because I looked different. Connecting with others from a similar background made feel that I was not alone
During college, I chatted with someone who shared a similar culture and he happened to go to the same college. We met up, clicked, and ended up dating. Everything seemed great until life turned a different direction. I found out I was expecting my first born in 2000 and ended up dropping out of college. That person I met was was my now ex-husband. (more about that in future episodes).
I went from a carefree college student to a mom overnight. Between my clinical depression that I’ve struggled with since a teen, being a new mom with little help and the drama that I was experiencing with my ex-husband and ex-in-laws, it was a recipe for disaster.
I was extremely grateful for having supportive parents. Sri Lankan and South Asian culture is not very receptive about anyone having a child before they’re married. In fact, you most likely would be shamed for it. Which is what I was experiencing with my in-laws. But the biggest issue was that we were of two different religions. Our families were polar opposites when it came to mindsets. Things took quite some time to stabilize (or at least I thought ). I ended up getting married at the Country Clerk’s office when my son turned 3, and had 2 more kids a couple years later.
The fighting started again. Not only did I feel angry, but resentment started to brew. I felt lonely and longed for real connection. The world saw a happy me, but like those who use filters to cover up their imperfections, I was living a filtered myself. Behind my smile and screen full of carefully curated content, was a Sri Lankan woman who was drowning in shame for having a child out of wedlock and allowing South Asian culture dictate her life by staying in a toxic relationship. I felt hopeless and found no one I could relate to. Many asked why I didn’t leave if I was miserable. Back then I felt I had no choice. My narrative was where will I go without a degree and money. Instead, I suffered in silence.
Turning Point
I felt the pain in my heart along with increasing resentment. I was turning into someone I hated. It was then I realized I had to do something. They say the first part to change is make a decision. And that’s exactly what I did. I decided to go back to school. I swallowed my pride and faced my fears of finishing up my undergraduate degree while taking care of 3 kids under the age of 5. I knew having a degree was my golden ticket which would give me the courage to leave a toxic relationship.
Finishing my degree gave me great sense of accomplishment. Upon completion, I took a giant step by finally ending my tumultuous marriage. While I felt like I could be myself again, I experienced feelings of sadness and happiness. Sad that I had to let go of prior dreams I had, but happy that I had the opportunity to create new ones.
I found another purpose in life and that was to not let another person live a filtered life like I did. I wanted people to know; especially those who come from a background where culture plays a major influence decisions, that the only way to love and have a meaningful connection with people was to live your truth. I’m not a doctor nor a therapist, but a firm believer that you are not your mistakes. Along my journey through heartbreak and healing I learned some lifelong lessons the not-so-easy way and hope you can learn from them. I am amazed how much I’ve grown. Today, I am a proud single mother of 3 teens surrounded by loving family and friends.
Inspiration for LoveBytes
I was inspired to create The LoveBytes Show when I was back into the throes of single-dom. Although I met my ex online, I wanted to go back to the old school way of meeting and dating people. To my dismay, I had entered a world of digital distractions that included sexting, social media stalking, and situationships. I shared my disappointment with friends and countless others only to find that they too were experiencing the same frustrations. While there were countless podcasts and sites for love and relationship advice, little to none existed for people of South Asian descent and other ethnicities where issues such as traditions, ideologies, and values play a contributing part in the success of relationships.
It has been a labor of love the last several years. The idea has been a challenging and rewarding experience that has reminded me to always follow my heart. While this is only just the beginning, I hope by living my truth that I will inspire you to do the same because we all deserve love and real connection.
Love & Light,
Naomi xoxo